9/11 - 5 Years Later; or, How to Effect Permanent Change

I

Five years ago, in the months after 9/11, we were a different people. Remember how we said "Unsaneh Toqef"? Who could say "Who will live and who will die? ... Who in chaos? Who in fire? ..." and didn't have tears in their eyes? The notion that our lives literally were in the "Hands" of the Almighty was real and etched in the core of our beings.

Fear years ago, you stopped on the road to help a stranger stranded on the side, regardless of their ethnicity. We all proudly flew our flags in a show of unity. Even the dynamics and unity with our community of American observant Jews was markedly stronger. But now? The flag got dirty and faded into a grey, sky blue and pink, and was taken down, not replaced. And if the fellow on the shoulder of the road is identifiably Jewish, and I have time, or if it's not a stretch of highway frequented by many other Orthodox Jews who might have pity on him...

What happened? Why couldn't we hold onto that feeling?

There is a pasuq in Devarim which reads "The 'Eyes' of G-d are on [the Land of Israel] from reishis hashanah ad acharis shanah -- the beginning of the year until the end of a year." The Satmar Rav points out the asymmetry; first the use of "hashanah", "the year", but it closes with just "shanah", "a year".

The Yismach Moshe notes that unfortunately that is the way with most of us. Every year, when it begins, we are all excited and determined. "This is going to be THE year!" The year I finally have the patience my children deserve, the year I get to synagogue regularly, the year... But the year goes by, and by the end, it's just "a year", another span on the calendar.

In VaYoel Moshe, the Satmar Rav adds that this can be read in the words nusach Sfard concludes Qedushah, "hein ga'alti eschem acharis kereishis -- here I will redeem you in the end [of our history] as in the beginning [i.e. in Egypt]". Hashem will redeem a people for whom "the end is like the beginning". When we can end the year with the same determination to be better as we had when we began it, we will have merited the redemption.

And so, I find -- and I assume most people do -- that the list of things I resolve to do teshuvah for this year closely resembles the changes I promised myself I would make last year. And so I set out to answer the question of how can we make permanent change. (Ironically, I set out to answer this question last year and the year before, and the year before that...)

II

About a month ago I went on a trip to Northern Israel -- brought food and supplies to Tzefat's poor and to our soldiers at and heading to the front. We also stopped by Chaifa and the Rambam Hospital. There we met Yechiel ben Zoharah (who could still use tefillos for a complete recovery). Yechiel left his bunker, unaware that they were actually situated north of Hezbollah trenches. He was shot from behind, with shrapnel destroying much of his liver, part of his right lung (which the intial bullet went through as well), and his right shoulder. He was waiting for the other wounds to heal sufficiently for him to be up to reconstructive surgery on the shoulder. And yes, he is a righty.

What made him stick out in my mind was something he did when it wasn't war-time. There are people capable of a moment of bravery, being in the line of fire to save another. It is a different skill (not greater or lesser, just different) to be able to live "heroically" for long stretches of time.

Yechiel lived alone, working the land and building at a spot near the Kineret for a year. I unfortunately forgot the name of the town in the Golan, at nearly 50 families, that he build around his efforts. (And of course, he had to brag about his daughter, who since turned 1.)

What we try to do most Rashei haShanah is closer to the moment of heroism. We think of teshuvah in terms of being at a new place by the end of Yom Kippur.

Rav AY Kook describes two ways of doing teshuvah (Orot haTeshuvah ch 2). The first is sudden, "coming from some kind of spiritual thunder that centers the soul. In one moment he recognizes the evil and disgustingness of sin, and turns into a new person…. This sort of teshuvah comes from some influence of inner gift, by some great spiritual influence, that it'’s worthy to seek its roots in the deepest of mysteries.... The higher teshuvah comes from the thunder of universal good, the Divine Good which underlies all the worlds...."

The second sort of teshuvah is gradual. "He feels that he must progress and improve his ways and his lifestyle, his desires, his thought patterns. In his travels on this path he conquers, bit by bit, the ways of righteousness, repairs his middos, improves his actions, teaches himself how to become more and more proper until he reaches the pinnacle of brightness and repair."

The first luchos, "G-d's manufacture they were, and the writing was G-d's writing" (Shemos 32:16). They were a "thunder from heaven", spirituality as a gift from the A-lmighty. As something unearned, there was no guarantee that they could be kept.

The Benei Yisrael sought to maintain this lofty experience; they had a need for further inspiration that could not await Moshe's return. They built the calf, and it all unraveled. That which was quickly gained was just as quickly lost.

For the second luchos, Moshe is told to "quarry for yourself two stone tablets like the first" (ibid 34:1). Man must take the first step. This is the gradual, incremental path. It's not a thunderous gift from Hashem, it is a call to which Hashem responds. He "will write on the luchos the ideas that were on the first luchos" (v. 2). But man must invest the effort.

Perhaps we can say that the first sort of teshuvah is embodied by the pasuq "Hashiveinu Hashem eilekha venashuvah – Hashem, bring us close to You, and we will return." (Eikhah 5:21) Hashem taking the first step. The second, harder but more permanent teshuvah is "Shuvah eilai ve'ashuvah aleikhem – return to Me, and I will return to you." (Malakhi 3:7) We take the initiative, and Hashem promises to respond.

The kind of rapid change we typically aspire for over Aseres Yemei Teshuvah is similar to that Rav Kook compares to the first luchos. It is rapid, because it is gifted from G-d. But it is much harder to keep permanent.

The events of 9/11 changed the environment in which we live. Among all the tragedy was a gift, an environment that called upon us to grow as people. But the growth didn't come from within ourselves; as the environment slowly returned to something more like (although never again the same) it was before, so did we lose much of that personal growth.

III

The Kotzker Rebbe once asked his students: There are two people on a ladder, one on the fourth rung, and another on the 10th, which one is higher?

The book where I saw this thought doesn't record his students' answers. I assume some recognized it as a trick question, and answered that it was the one on the fourth, some answered the 10th figuring the rebbe was leading them somewhere, and others were silent. But the rebbe's answer was succinct, "It depends who is climbing the ladder, and who is going down."

Once I told the story, the idea is familiar. The idea of spirituality is not where you are, as that is largely a function of forces beyond your control (your upbringing, your genetics, etc...) Rather, it's the direction you're heading in, and how rapidly you're getting there. To apply a notion from Kierkegaard, it's not about being a good Jew, it's about the process of becoming one.

What does this say about teshuvah? We think of teshuvah as getting from point A to point B. But if holiness is measured by our engagement in the process, should this be our goal of where to be by Yom Kippur? I would suggest that teshuvah is not akin to motion, but to acceleration. The aim is that by the end of Yom Kippur, we are more engaged in change; our foot is on the accelerator, we gathered tools to implement change and have started using them.

We must realize that "the work is long", that the entire year will be one in which we will need to slowly, incrementally, work toward our goals. I hope to use this time through the Aseres Yemei Teshuvah to make a plan for growth for the year, to change more by how I'm changing than to expect to stop the entire momentum of my life on a dime.

Through such efforts, we can hopefully look back on this year as "the year" even as it ends.

(PS: With the Satmar Rav and Rav Kook quoted within paragraphs of each other, this is probably my most eclectic blog posting yet!)